There are many ways to explain how we became being “In Transition;” “downsized,” “restructured,” “let go,” are common terms and phrases that are thrown around to describe what happened to us. And, no matter how we experienced our “moment,” there’s one thing we ALL experience because of it… grief. It’s a part of the initial job loss package you tend not to research or have a lawyer look over before you sign on the dotted line. Whether you acknowledge it or not, grief will be a big part of your job search struggles and it can pop up in the weirdest places and times.
Grief, The 5 Act Show
If you Google the “stages of grief” you’ll get responses that range from 5 to 13 stages. I’m a big K.I.S.S. kinda guy (Keep It Simple S----d) so let’s go with the doctor that first came up with the 5 stages in 1969; Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Those stages are…
Denial – “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger – ‘WHY is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining – “Make this not happen and, in return, I will…”
Depression – “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance – “I’m at peace with what happened.”
Now, you might be thinking that grief is a “death” thing and, in Kubler-Ross’s studies, they were based on the emotions faced by family members of patients facing terminal illnesses. But ask yourself this; “After I was let go, did I feel denial, anger, bargaining, depression or acceptance?”
If experienced any of them, then you felt grief. Accept it.
But That’s Not What I Ordered
It’s funny to me (at least) to think that, not only is acceptance one of the stages of grief, but it’s also what you need to do to BEFORE you can actually deal with grieving. And, I’m not saying you need to be “at peace” with your grief, but you need to “accept” the emotions and feelings that are going to happen so that you can recognize them sooner and process them effectively. There’s no order to the stages, not everyone experiences every stage and stages can repeat too. Cycling through them, for me, has really helped with how a get through some grief flair-ups.
Hey Grief, Are We Done Yet?
How everyone deals with and feels grief is different. There’s no ridged structure or rules to follow. Kubler-Ross stated “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.” Here’s the thing, once you accept your grieving the emotional “edge” of it begins to wear down. But, no matter how much time passes, grief can still influence some of your job searching activity.
Grief, It’s Like an Angry Rash
I’ve been pretty good at catching my little grief “relapses” but this one caught me off guard AND made me laugh. One Sunday afternoon, while applying to some jobs I had saved, I had a weird feeling. It was like every time I hit send, in the back of my mind, I was saying “f-you!” I was angry at the job postings and at the fact I had to apply to them. It was a few hours later, while out walking and talking with my wife, we uncovered the source of my frustrations. That pesky anger stage popped up again. I didn’t know for sure it was grief until three days later. I woke up with an overwhelming feeling of guilt over not having a job. Ah, yes, it’s grief again. Luckily, I’m at a stage now where I can find a little bit of humour in it.
What’s the Rush?
That whole experience of “angry applying” and “waking guilt” served to remind me that you can’t rush the grieving process. I’ve been out of work for more than a year and I’m still affected by the grief of it. I’m not crippled by it, but it can still have an impact on my actions, emotions and decisions. I HAVE accepted my grief and can even laugh about what I feel and do because of it. But, when those grief feelings do creep up, it’s time to take a walk and talk about it. It’s better than saying “f-you” to all the jobs you apply to.
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